Sunday, January 20, 2013

Lessons we learn from Twilight

Have you ever watched Twilight backwards? It's amazing. Nah, not really. It's still crap.

In the past, if I felt depressed or hopeless, I'd console myself by telling myself that I had never read any of the Twilight books. But that has all changed now. I purposely exposed myself to the Twilight universe for experimental purposes (not sexual experimentation though, sparkly dominating vampires ain't mah thing). Nevertheless, I did learn a few 'truths' from Stephanie Meyer's modern masterpiece.

Be submissive, be helpless.

Oh Bella. The new pin up girl for Damsels in Distress everywhere. Interestingly, Bella's description within the book is very vague. But her flawed personality makes up for it. Bella is described as clumsy, stubborn and rather 'average'. Bella is also described as a terrible liar, who overeats when she feels upset. Basically, an unoriginal character devoid of any unique traits/quirks who is set up for failure. And where Bella fails, there is always a hypermasuline character fighting to 'save' her.

Submissiveness is a huge component in Bella's personality. From the very beginning of the first book, we see Bella is constantly cooking, cleaning and caring for her (...lazy) father. And when Bella wins the attention of sparkly Edward Cullen, she instantly submits to his every whim. And due to a lack of self, Edward becomes Bella's obsession which results in page upon page of mindless drivel.

Time upon time, Bella has to be rescued (from a car, from harassment/teasing, from drowning, from Jasper ect) because she's too flawed, helpless or goddamn stupid to save herself. Seriously, from the amount of near death experiences Bella has experienced, it seems like even the universe is trying to kill her useless self off. Well, I'd hardly blame the universe in this case.

Overprotective, abusive man-child = panty dropper

Edwards is a cute, overprotective boyfriend that every girl craves.
 It baffles me as to why countless girls/women let their panties drop, the second they hear about fictional Edward Cullen. Maybe I'm just not normal. I wouldn't actually enjoy having my supernatural man reading my private and intimate thoughts to ensure that I am only thinking about him. I would hate having a man who BANS me from driving a car and you call me a crazy femeninazi, but I've never secretly wished that my man's sister would kidnap me so he could control my movement. And although this isn't necessarily 'abuse', Edward creeping on Bella as she sleeps? Come on Meyers, let's keep that creepy voyeurism where it belongs, on 4chan.

Bella becomes isolated from all friends and family, Edward continues to dominate and control her, even threatening her in certain instances. But no, this isn't abuse ladies. This is a cute relationship that we all need to crave.

And some more pearls of wisdom we learn from the series..

- You CAN change a person for the better. Well if you sacrifice your wellbeing, happiness and sanity.
- The best situation a woman can wish to be in, is stuck between two 'men'. Choosing bestiality or necrophilia. Ahh, romantic.
- Is your crush aloof, mean tempered and rude? Does he ignore you a lot? It means he's in love with you.
- Punctuation and correct full-stop usage within writing is like, so last year. Oh and cramming that bad boy of a 'novel' full of teenage angst, it just leaves readers hungry for more.

I think I'll leave it at that.
The universe of Twilight is most insightful. And it goes without saying that Twilight might be the best book-to-movie adaptation ever. Nothing was lost in the translation, because bullshit remains bullshit.

And that leaves us with one question.
In my research, did I join 'team Edward' or 'team Jacob'?
I'm team person who tried to hit Bella with a car.

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