Lessons we learn from Twilight

Have you ever watched Twilight backwards? It's amazing. Nah, not really. It's still crap.

In the past, if I felt depressed or hopeless, I'd console myself by telling myself that I had never read any of the Twilight books. But that has all changed now. I purposely exposed myself to the Twilight universe for experimental purposes (not sexual experimentation though, sparkly dominating vampires ain't mah thing). Nevertheless, I did learn a few 'truths' from Stephanie Meyer's modern masterpiece.


Be submissive, be helpless.

Oh Bella. The new pin up girl for Damsels in Distress everywhere. Interestingly, Bella's description within the book is very vague. But her flawed personality makes up for it. Bella is described as clumsy, stubborn and rather 'average'. Bella is also described as a terrible liar, who overeats when she feels upset. Basically, an unoriginal character devoid of any unique traits/quirks who is set up for failure. And where Bella fails, there is always a hypermasuline character fighting to 'save' her.

Submissiveness is a huge component in Bella's personality. From the very beginning of the first book, we see Bella is constantly cooking, cleaning and caring for her (...lazy) father. And when Bella wins the attention of sparkly Edward Cullen, she instantly submits to his every whim. And due to a lack of self, Edward becomes Bella's obsession which results in page upon page of mindless drivel.

Time upon time, Bella has to be rescued (from a car, from harassment/teasing, from drowning, from Jasper ect) because she's too flawed, helpless or goddamn stupid to save herself. Seriously, from the amount of near death experiences Bella has experienced, it seems like even the universe is trying to kill her useless self off. Well, I'd hardly blame the universe in this case.

Overprotective, abusive man-child = panty dropper

Edwards is a cute, overprotective boyfriend that every girl craves.
 It baffles me as to why countless girls/women let their panties drop, the second they hear about fictional Edward Cullen. Maybe I'm just not normal. I wouldn't actually enjoy having my supernatural man reading my private and intimate thoughts to ensure that I am only thinking about him. I would hate having a man who BANS me from driving a car and you call me a crazy femeninazi, but I've never secretly wished that my man's sister would kidnap me so he could control my movement. And although this isn't necessarily 'abuse', Edward creeping on Bella as she sleeps? Come on Meyers, let's keep that creepy voyeurism where it belongs, on 4chan.

Bella becomes isolated from all friends and family, Edward continues to dominate and control her, even threatening her in certain instances. But no, this isn't abuse ladies. This is a cute relationship that we all need to crave.

And some more pearls of wisdom we learn from the series..

- You CAN change a person for the better. Well if you sacrifice your wellbeing, happiness and sanity.
- The best situation a woman can wish to be in, is stuck between two 'men'. Choosing bestiality or necrophilia. Ahh, romantic.
- Is your crush aloof, mean tempered and rude? Does he ignore you a lot? It means he's in love with you.
- Punctuation and correct full-stop usage within writing is like, so last year. Oh and cramming that bad boy of a 'novel' full of teenage angst, it just leaves readers hungry for more.

I think I'll leave it at that.
The universe of Twilight is most insightful. And it goes without saying that Twilight might be the best book-to-movie adaptation ever. Nothing was lost in the translation, because bullshit remains bullshit.

And that leaves us with one question.
In my research, did I join 'team Edward' or 'team Jacob'?
I'm team person who tried to hit Bella with a car.

the Rose of Diddly Dum Aye-Ville

I've lived in Dublin, Ireland all my life so I know a thing or two about businesses and money makers stripping down our culture, simplifying it and making it marketable to the masses of tourists that visit the rip off republic. But seeing American tourists parading around our beautiful city in XXL Aran island jumpers is only the beginning. The dreaded Rose of Tralee. The ultimate saturation of Plastic Paddy wishy washy 'oirish' culture. And available to anyone it seems, who wants to buy into this yone who buys into the diddly o'diddly aye culture.

I know a few people who have applied to be Roses and plastered it all over facebook.
And I've kept silent until now.

I still cannot understand why they bother to broadcast it on Irish television anymore.
Is watching Mary Catherine O'Yank reciting a beautiful 'wee' poem about the green hills of Ireland while convincing Daithí O'Se about the legitimacy of her 'Irishness' and ethnicity your idea of a good time? Television licence money well spent again, RTE.

My favourite part of the 'festival'*?

Watching the glassy eyed parents and family members in the audience as they look on proudly as their daughter becomes the new walking advertisement for Newbridge jewellery and the other generic sponsors.

The most accurate and perhaps only honest depiction of the contest was portrayed on an episode 'Father Ted', in form of 'The Lovely Girl contest':


People will always stand by the argument that this 'Festival' generates a lot of money for Irish tourism. And to that, I shall say this.

Do we really need and/or want a glorified beauty pageant to be one of our 'selling points'?

Do we really need to endure much more of this nonsense?

This pageant should have been buried somewhere in the last century, where it belongs. 

* = glorified beauty pageant

Why mormonism hasn't caught on in Ireland.

We all love the ever-wacky mormon faith of Mormonism don't we?

Well aparently, in Ireland... we don't! Not on purpose of course. We just haven't been given the opportunity to embrace the teachings of a religion that proposes that native Americans were actually Israeli immigrants and that dinosaur bones are from distant galaxies that were brought together when Jesus created the earth 6000 years ago.**

Yep, Mormonism certainly is a lot to swallow.

It's the ultimate hybrid of evangelist christianity and outward American westernized nuclear family nonsense. The whole thing is a mish mash of teen purity seminars, odd cult-like ceremonies (baptizing the dead anyone?) and happy smiling white families. Throw some door knocking missionaries into the mix and you've got the Church of Latter Day Saints, or the Mormon faith as they are more commonly known.

It even got it's own South Park episode (dumb dumb dumb anyone?)

Okay so maybe it's an easy target. But don't feel too sorry for the Mormons. They have over 14 million* members worldwide! And with no signs of going broke either due to the church policy that demands 10%+ of a families income**. That's a lot of ehm 'freely given' donations.

But growing at such a rapid speed, would they ever consider opening a Temple or two here in little aul Ireland?

Well, I compiled a short yet concise list on why our Mormon pals might want to just ignore the Emerald Isle completely.

1. Eccentric 'religions', don't tend to catch on in 'we're catholic... when it suits us' Ireland. Or any kind of faith/relgion/cult that goes against the Lazy Catholic mentality.

Example: Somewhat pseudo-science, somewhat occupied with money making 'religion' Scientology can vouch for us on this one. Official 'Church' documents in 2011 have revealed that Scientology Ireland Ltd. is over €688,000 in debt and their revenue has dropped by 60%.*** In fact, the American Scientologists had to bail them out of trouble a good few times. There is something hilarious about the whole situation.

And it seems this failing religion is becoming more and more desperate.

A friend of mine reported that he found a very interesting stall in our local market, a (empty) dianetic/scientology-tastic stall.

Come on now. You really need to set up shop between a cake stand and a brick and brack/jumble sale to get more members?

Mormonism, please take note.

2. I cannot see the fashion aspects of Mormonism becoming a selling point either.

Never mind the whole, nothing above your knees/elbows/no cleavage rules.

I'm talking about Magical Mormon underwear. Or 'Temple Underwear'.

I'll let this informative video do the explaining:

Just an FYI to you Mormon recruiters; you'd be LUCKY to come across a group of Irish girls even wearing underwear.

Don't believe me?

Frequent any popular Dublin nightclub on a Saturday night.

3. So Mormons don't consume alcohol nor do they smoke tobacco. Drugs are a complete no-no and caffeinated products are included. No more cuppa tea. Put down those John Player ciggies. Stop trying to hide your naggins of vodka from the Prophet; he's not an underpaid doorman at some low rate nightclub. He sees all!

Well. Without even bringing the whole alcohol thing into the equation.. I've never met an Irish person that doesn't enjoy a good cuppa tea.

However, I can feel the Mormons breathing down my neck with a 'solution':

Please. Don't even suggest it. Not that herbal shite. We like a nice strong cuppa. Caffeine and all thanks.

A decent cuppa tea is central to irish life and culture. Don't you even dare try and stop them. I'm telling you all now, if you start to trying to take away the tea, you'll run into a lot of troubles... fast.

4. There is a certain rule within the Church; If one is not a Mormon, one cannot enter the Temple. This could pose troublesome for the foundations of big ol' Irish extended families and I'll tell you a fable of what could happen to the Irish family based on real Mormon events/practises:

Picture this, if you will.

Mark and Aoife have become mormons. They liked the swing of things and decided that it was right for them.

After a years of solid chastity, wholesome group dating, non violent youth events and various non-secular single sex activities, Mark proposed to Aoife who gladly accepted.

But. I forgot to mention an important fact here.

Aoife had joined the Mormon faith with the encouragement of her family; aunts, parents, uncles, cousins. To them, Mormon-ism was a shared faith within the family.

Mark had joined alone. His family were disinterested in the somewhat conservative and sexist manners of the Church. As a single parent, Mark's mother had enough to be worrying about however Mark made a mature choice to respect his families decision as he continued into a life of Mormonism.

Why is this important?

Well it was supposed to be a happy day for all involved. The happiest day of someones life in fact; their wedding.

So why was it that Mark's mam and sisters, his favourite auntie and his late father's best friend had to wait outside in the car-park while Mark wed his blushing bride?

Because they had simply decided not to become members of the Mormon faith.

So this religion that claims they are all about 'love', has condemned the non-believers.

One who truly understands the basis of most major religions could point out that no religion gives total authority to humans to condemn their fellow man. After all is that not 'Gods' job?

I don't even know where to begin with that last point. If your religion is all about love and acceptance why are you locking people out of your sacred temples?

Maybe I'm a not part of the God-squad, but I can tell you all something for nothing. When the Mormon faith wouldn't let Mark's family see him on arguable the happiest day of his life.. when his family were told they were not 'worthy'... that was not love.

I'll let you decide Ireland.

Personally I think the omnipresence of the Catholic church in this country is bad enough.

The catholic church here is like a bad coldsore virus; a virus that always seems to be there in one way or another causing upset or disgust and just does not feck off.

But I don't know.

Maybe we should have "I'm a Major Relgion, get me outta here" reality show. I'm thinking battle to death, hunger games/post apocalyptic shit. The winner receives tax exempt status within the Republic of Ireland.

I'm not sure the Mormons would appreciate my opinions right now, especially seeing as I am under the influence (oh red bull.. you devil you)

Let me know your thoughts.

Love and rockets,

Ruth x

Just a few sources:

* - http://lds.about.com/od/mormons/a/church_membership.htm

**- http://jyledupuis.hubpages.com/hub/What-Mormons-Really-Believe

*** -http://www.irishcentral.com/news/Revenue-at-Irish-Church-of-Scientology-drops-by-60-percent-126610713.html