Sunday, January 20, 2013

Lessons we learn from Twilight

Have you ever watched Twilight backwards? It's amazing. Nah, not really. It's still crap.

In the past, if I felt depressed or hopeless, I'd console myself by telling myself that I had never read any of the Twilight books. But that has all changed now. I purposely exposed myself to the Twilight universe for experimental purposes (not sexual experimentation though, sparkly dominating vampires ain't mah thing). Nevertheless, I did learn a few 'truths' from Stephanie Meyer's modern masterpiece.

Be submissive, be helpless.

Oh Bella. The new pin up girl for Damsels in Distress everywhere. Interestingly, Bella's description within the book is very vague. But her flawed personality makes up for it. Bella is described as clumsy, stubborn and rather 'average'. Bella is also described as a terrible liar, who overeats when she feels upset. Basically, an unoriginal character devoid of any unique traits/quirks who is set up for failure. And where Bella fails, there is always a hypermasuline character fighting to 'save' her.

Submissiveness is a huge component in Bella's personality. From the very beginning of the first book, we see Bella is constantly cooking, cleaning and caring for her (...lazy) father. And when Bella wins the attention of sparkly Edward Cullen, she instantly submits to his every whim. And due to a lack of self, Edward becomes Bella's obsession which results in page upon page of mindless drivel.

Time upon time, Bella has to be rescued (from a car, from harassment/teasing, from drowning, from Jasper ect) because she's too flawed, helpless or goddamn stupid to save herself. Seriously, from the amount of near death experiences Bella has experienced, it seems like even the universe is trying to kill her useless self off. Well, I'd hardly blame the universe in this case.

Overprotective, abusive man-child = panty dropper

Edwards is a cute, overprotective boyfriend that every girl craves.
 It baffles me as to why countless girls/women let their panties drop, the second they hear about fictional Edward Cullen. Maybe I'm just not normal. I wouldn't actually enjoy having my supernatural man reading my private and intimate thoughts to ensure that I am only thinking about him. I would hate having a man who BANS me from driving a car and you call me a crazy femeninazi, but I've never secretly wished that my man's sister would kidnap me so he could control my movement. And although this isn't necessarily 'abuse', Edward creeping on Bella as she sleeps? Come on Meyers, let's keep that creepy voyeurism where it belongs, on 4chan.

Bella becomes isolated from all friends and family, Edward continues to dominate and control her, even threatening her in certain instances. But no, this isn't abuse ladies. This is a cute relationship that we all need to crave.

And some more pearls of wisdom we learn from the series..

- You CAN change a person for the better. Well if you sacrifice your wellbeing, happiness and sanity.
- The best situation a woman can wish to be in, is stuck between two 'men'. Choosing bestiality or necrophilia. Ahh, romantic.
- Is your crush aloof, mean tempered and rude? Does he ignore you a lot? It means he's in love with you.
- Punctuation and correct full-stop usage within writing is like, so last year. Oh and cramming that bad boy of a 'novel' full of teenage angst, it just leaves readers hungry for more.

I think I'll leave it at that.
The universe of Twilight is most insightful. And it goes without saying that Twilight might be the best book-to-movie adaptation ever. Nothing was lost in the translation, because bullshit remains bullshit.

And that leaves us with one question.
In my research, did I join 'team Edward' or 'team Jacob'?
I'm team person who tried to hit Bella with a car.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Weird internet Thursday.

We've all stumbled across 'that' side of the internet. It always seems to be during 'exam time' (ugh, I feel dirty just using that phrase) that I find myself either whining/complaining/semi-trolling on various forums or lurking around the 'weird' side of the internet, wasting my time. It's been established that time is not a rigid construct, therefore, I conclude that I am devoid of any guilt.

I have collected creepy, odd, Japanese odd (oh trust me, the Japs have their own category of 'odd'), downright weird and 'interesting' links over the years. I suppose it's only fair that I share them and bring you all down with me.

1. Are you gay?

Take this test once! If you take it more then once, you must have doubts!

2. Duck of the Day

A favourite amongst my fellow procrastinating college students. Log on daily for a new duck of the day.

3. Giga Pudding video

I felt suicidal last night, I then found this video. My life now has meaning again.

4. How many Goats are you worth?

We've all wondered this from time to time. Well now it's time to find out! How many goats are YOU worth?

5. Is it Tuesday?

Not sure if it's Tuesday? Visit 'Is it Tuesday', and they'll give you the cold hard truth.

If any of you non-existent readers have any wacky, weird links to contribute, leave them in a comment :3

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Wishlist: January 13

Wishlist 1

Wishlist 1 by twee420 featuring obey t shirts

1. Jelly Bag
Ah, the jelly bag. Me, in bag form. Maybe if we ALL used jelly bags more often and just TRIED to be a bit more 'kawaii' (Al-Quida, hello... this is for you), there'd be less of terrorism threat and less tedious airport checks.

2. Lime Crime d'Lilac lipstick ($15.99)
A statement lipstick that suits pale skin with cool undertones? OK.. I suppose I'll just have to get it!

3. Mass Effect Trilogy (€45)
I've been meaning to play this for ages now. Three of the most popular, best rated games put into one trilogy. My favourite element of Mass Effect is the decision making within the gameplay and it shapes what the game becomes. I always enjoy games in which you must make difficult decisions, choices and in which you choose whether to be 'good' or 'bad'

4. Betsy Johnson skull ring
I've always wanted an obnoxiously overpriced, shiny Betsy Johnson ring. Yes, it may be indulgent and overpriced but it's shiiiiney.

5. UNIF hellraisers (black/silver studs) //(€120)
Hi, if any sugar-daddies are reading this, this sugar baby is a UK size 3 (US size 5, I think). Thank ya!

6. Obey Heather Grey shirt (€23)
There is a rastafarian variation of this shirt, but I prefer this plain grey variation of the 'OBEY' shirt. However if anyone uses the word 'swag' in my presence, expect to have your bowls disembowelled.

7. Topshop Pink Cord skater skirt (€52)
I have been looking for a baby pink skater skirt for ages and I think I finally found my match.

8. Topshop Nails in Green Room (€6.20)
I've been quite liking green nails recently, it's a welcome break from black nails. I quite like holographic greens, 'alien' greens, turtle greens and blue toned green. This isn't Irish supremecy. I swear.