Well aparently, in Ireland... we don't! Not on purpose of course. We just haven't been given the opportunity to embrace the teachings of a religion that proposes that native Americans were actually Israeli immigrants and that dinosaur bones are from distant galaxies that were brought together when Jesus created the earth 6000 years ago.**
Yep, Mormonism certainly is a lot to swallow.
It's the ultimate hybrid of evangelist christianity and outward American westernized nuclear family nonsense. The whole thing is a mish mash of teen purity seminars, odd cult-like ceremonies (baptizing the dead anyone?) and happy smiling white families. Throw some door knocking missionaries into the mix and you've got the Church of Latter Day Saints, or the Mormon faith as they are more commonly known.
It even got it's own South Park episode (dumb dumb dumb anyone?)
Okay so maybe it's an easy target. But don't feel too sorry for the Mormons. They have over 14 million* members worldwide! And with no signs of going broke either due to the church policy that demands 10%+ of a families income**. That's a lot of ehm 'freely given' donations.
But growing at such a rapid speed, would they ever consider opening a Temple or two here in little aul Ireland?
Well, I compiled a short yet concise list on why our Mormon pals might want to just ignore the Emerald Isle completely.
1. Eccentric 'religions', don't tend to catch on in 'we're catholic... when it suits us' Ireland. Or any kind of faith/relgion/cult that goes against the Lazy Catholic mentality.
Example: Somewhat pseudo-science, somewhat occupied with money making 'religion' Scientology can vouch for us on this one. Official 'Church' documents in 2011 have revealed that Scientology Ireland Ltd. is over €688,000 in debt and their revenue has dropped by 60%.*** In fact, the American Scientologists had to bail them out of trouble a good few times. There is something hilarious about the whole situation.
And it seems this failing religion is becoming more and more desperate.
A friend of mine reported that he found a very interesting stall in our local market, a (empty) dianetic/scientology-tastic stall.
Come on now. You really need to set up shop between a cake stand and a brick and brack/jumble sale to get more members?
Mormonism, please take note.
2. I cannot see the fashion aspects of Mormonism becoming a selling point either.
Never mind the whole, nothing above your knees/elbows/no cleavage rules.
I'm talking about Magical Mormon underwear. Or 'Temple Underwear'.
I'll let this informative video do the explaining:
Just an FYI to you Mormon recruiters; you'd be LUCKY to come across a group of Irish girls even wearing underwear.
Don't believe me?
Frequent any popular Dublin nightclub on a Saturday night.
3. So Mormons don't consume alcohol nor do they smoke tobacco. Drugs are a complete no-no and caffeinated products are included. No more cuppa tea. Put down those John Player ciggies. Stop trying to hide your naggins of vodka from the Prophet; he's not an underpaid doorman at some low rate nightclub. He sees all!
Well. Without even bringing the whole alcohol thing into the equation.. I've never met an Irish person that doesn't enjoy a good cuppa tea.
However, I can feel the Mormons breathing down my neck with a 'solution':
Please. Don't even suggest it. Not that herbal shite. We like a nice strong cuppa. Caffeine and all thanks.
A decent cuppa tea is central to irish life and culture. Don't you even dare try and stop them. I'm telling you all now, if you start to trying to take away the tea, you'll run into a lot of troubles... fast.
4. There is a certain rule within the Church; If one is not a Mormon, one cannot enter the Temple. This could pose troublesome for the foundations of big ol' Irish extended families and I'll tell you a fable of what could happen to the Irish family based on real Mormon events/practises:
Picture this, if you will.
Mark and Aoife have become mormons. They liked the swing of things and decided that it was right for them.
After a years of solid chastity, wholesome group dating, non violent youth events and various non-secular single sex activities, Mark proposed to Aoife who gladly accepted.
But. I forgot to mention an important fact here.
Aoife had joined the Mormon faith with the encouragement of her family; aunts, parents, uncles, cousins. To them, Mormon-ism was a shared faith within the family.
Mark had joined alone. His family were disinterested in the somewhat conservative and sexist manners of the Church. As a single parent, Mark's mother had enough to be worrying about however Mark made a mature choice to respect his families decision as he continued into a life of Mormonism.
Why is this important?
Well it was supposed to be a happy day for all involved. The happiest day of someones life in fact; their wedding.
So why was it that Mark's mam and sisters, his favourite auntie and his late father's best friend had to wait outside in the car-park while Mark wed his blushing bride?
Because they had simply decided not to become members of the Mormon faith.
So this religion that claims they are all about 'love', has condemned the non-believers.
One who truly understands the basis of most major religions could point out that no religion gives total authority to humans to condemn their fellow man. After all is that not 'Gods' job?
I don't even know where to begin with that last point. If your religion is all about love and acceptance why are you locking people out of your sacred temples?
Maybe I'm a not part of the God-squad, but I can tell you all something for nothing. When the Mormon faith wouldn't let Mark's family see him on arguable the happiest day of his life.. when his family were told they were not 'worthy'... that was not love.
I'll let you decide Ireland.
Personally I think the omnipresence of the Catholic church in this country is bad enough.
The catholic church here is like a bad coldsore virus; a virus that always seems to be there in one way or another causing upset or disgust and just does not feck off.
But I don't know.
Maybe we should have "I'm a Major Relgion, get me outta here" reality show. I'm thinking battle to death, hunger games/post apocalyptic shit. The winner receives tax exempt status within the Republic of Ireland.
I'm not sure the Mormons would appreciate my opinions right now, especially seeing as I am under the influence (oh red bull.. you devil you)
Let me know your thoughts.
Love and rockets,
Just a few sources:
* - http://lds.about.com/od/mormons/a/church_membership.htm