Sunday, March 25, 2012

Why mormonism hasn't caught on in Ireland.

We all love the ever-wacky mormon faith of Mormonism don't we?
Well aparently, in Ireland... we don't! Not on purpose of course. We just haven't been given the opportunity to embrace the teachings of a religion that proposes that native Americans were actually Israeli immigrants and that dinosaur bones are from distant galaxies that were brought together when Jesus created the earth 6000 years ago.**
Yep, Mormonism certainly is a lot to swallow.
It's the ultimate hybrid of evangelist christianity and outward American westernized nuclear family nonsense. The whole thing is a mish mash of teen purity seminars, odd cult-like ceremonies (baptizing the dead anyone?) and happy smiling white families. Throw some door knocking missionaries into the mix and you've got the Church of Latter Day Saints, or the Mormon faith as they are more commonly known.
It even got it's own South Park episode (dumb dumb dumb anyone?)


Okay so maybe it's an easy target. But don't feel too sorry for the Mormons. They have over 14 million* members worldwide! And with no signs of going broke either due to the church policy that demands 10%+ of a families income**. That's a lot of ehm 'freely given' donations.

But growing at such a rapid speed, would they ever consider opening a Temple or two here in little aul Ireland?

Well, I compiled a short yet concise list on why our Mormon pals might want to just ignore the Emerald Isle completely.

1. Eccentric 'religions', don't tend to catch on in 'we're catholic... when it suits us' Ireland. Or any kind of faith/relgion/cult that goes against the Lazy Catholic mentality.

Example: Somewhat pseudo-science, somewhat occupied with money making 'religion' Scientology can vouch for us on this one. Official 'Church' documents in 2011 have revealed that Scientology Ireland Ltd. is over €688,000 in debt and their revenue has dropped by 60%.*** In fact, the American Scientologists had to bail them out of trouble a good few times. There is something hilarious about the whole situation.

And it seems this failing religion is becoming more and more desperate.

A friend of mine reported that he found a very interesting stall in our local market, a (empty) dianetic/scientology-tastic stall.
Come on now. You really need to set up shop between a cake stand and a brick and brack/jumble sale to get more members?

Mormonism, please take note.

2. I cannot see the fashion aspects of Mormonism becoming a selling point either.
Never mind the whole, nothing above your knees/elbows/no cleavage rules.
I'm talking about Magical Mormon underwear. Or 'Temple Underwear'.
I'll let this informative video do the explaining:

Just an FYI to you Mormon recruiters; you'd be LUCKY to come across a group of Irish girls even wearing underwear.

Don't believe me?
Frequent any popular Dublin nightclub on a Saturday night.

3. So Mormons don't consume alcohol nor do they smoke tobacco. Drugs are a complete no-no and caffeinated products are included. No more cuppa tea. Put down those John Player ciggies. Stop trying to hide your naggins of vodka from the Prophet; he's not an underpaid doorman at some low rate nightclub. He sees all!
Well. Without even bringing the whole alcohol thing into the equation.. I've never met an Irish person that doesn't enjoy a good cuppa tea.

However, I can feel the Mormons breathing down my neck with a 'solution':

Please. Don't even suggest it. Not that herbal shite. We like a nice strong cuppa. Caffeine and all thanks.
A decent cuppa tea is central to irish life and culture. Don't you even dare try and stop them. I'm telling you all now, if you start to trying to take away the tea, you'll run into a lot of troubles... fast.

4. There is a certain rule within the Church; If one is not a Mormon, one cannot enter the Temple. This could pose troublesome for the foundations of big ol' Irish extended families and I'll tell you a fable of what could happen to the Irish family based on real Mormon events/practises:

Picture this, if you will.

Mark and Aoife have become mormons. They liked the swing of things and decided that it was right for them.
After a years of solid chastity, wholesome group dating, non violent youth events and various non-secular single sex activities, Mark proposed to Aoife who gladly accepted.

But. I forgot to mention an important fact here.

Aoife had joined the Mormon faith with the encouragement of her family; aunts, parents, uncles, cousins. To them, Mormon-ism was a shared faith within the family.

Mark had joined alone. His family were disinterested in the somewhat conservative and sexist manners of the Church. As a single parent, Mark's mother had enough to be worrying about however Mark made a mature choice to respect his families decision as he continued into a life of Mormonism.

Why is this important?

Well it was supposed to be a happy day for all involved. The happiest day of someones life in fact; their wedding.

So why was it that Mark's mam and sisters, his favourite auntie and his late father's best friend had to wait outside in the car-park while Mark wed his blushing bride?
Because they had simply decided not to become members of the Mormon faith.

So this religion that claims they are all about 'love', has condemned the non-believers.
One who truly understands the basis of most major religions could point out that no religion gives total authority to humans to condemn their fellow man. After all is that not 'Gods' job?

I don't even know where to begin with that last point. If your religion is all about love and acceptance why are you locking people out of your sacred temples?

Maybe I'm a not part of the God-squad, but I can tell you all something for nothing. When the Mormon faith wouldn't let Mark's family see him on arguable the happiest day of his life.. when his family were told they were not 'worthy'... that was not love.

I'll let you decide Ireland.
Personally I think the omnipresence of the Catholic church in this country is bad enough.
The catholic church here is like a bad coldsore virus; a virus that always seems to be there in one way or another causing upset or disgust and just does not feck off.
But I don't know.

Maybe we should have "I'm a Major Relgion, get me outta here" reality show. I'm thinking battle to death, hunger games/post apocalyptic shit. The winner receives tax exempt status within the Republic of Ireland.

I'm not sure the Mormons would appreciate my opinions right now, especially seeing as I am under the influence (oh red bull.. you devil you)

Let me know your thoughts.
Love and rockets,
Ruth x

Just a few sources:
* -
*** -

Monday, March 5, 2012

Socializing for dummies 101: Parties

This post (or series of posts in socializing; I haven't decided how active I will be in my efforts) is dedicated to my partner in crime, Kyle.
He's decided to 'give people a chance'; he's socializing more and actively trying to increase his standing in certain social groups and of course this will all help his efforts to turn his life around.
I know.
I don't understand it either.

I do want to help him though (yes, I know I'm an enabler), so I have kicked this guide off with a guide to parties.


Some of the fun people you will meet at parties.

I can't help you understand the logic behind why people chose to have parties.. but I can make the whole experience a hell of a lot less gut retching.
So dear readers, fear not.
If you are in the process of organizing a social event and you don't know where to start; simply follow my invitation template.

Your presence will be tolerated at..
You are reluctantly invited to..
You are un-cordially invited to..
Sick of your own company? Why not drag yourself to..
Why don't you drag your arse to..

Suggested themes all ages strip poker night
..a low calorie dinner party unsocial social gathering of sorts
..a post modern Anne Summers sales pitch
..not a scam-tastic timeshare pitch.. I swear!

Reel them in with the details
- Limited selection of crisps and dip will be provided
- Proof of intelligence required for entry
- Processed cheese and dry pineapple will be served
- Bring your own toilet paper
- Bring your own arsenic
- Bring up religion, conspiracy theories, politics


For those of you brave enough to drag yourself to someone else's crappy attempt to have a party, I only have one vital tip for you;
1. Upon entering the venue note all the exit points. This is crucial if you decide to make a fleeing attempt later on.

If anyone else has any contributions/tips ect, please leave them in the comments.
And if anyone would like to read about Kyle and his efforts to socialize featuring other shenanigans, visit him here.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Don't, don't knock my door

Conversation with a Jehovah's witness at the door:

JW: Hi, do you have a few moments to talk?
Me: Em. No.
JW: Well actually, we are just here to talk to you about the good word of the Lord
Me: Been there, done that.. did that whole catholic thing for a few years.
JW: We're actually here from..
Me: Yeah Jehovah's witnesses, I get it
JW: *sighs* what are you GOALS in life?
Me: My goal is not to wake up at 40 and have to knock on doors converting people, living with the bitter realization that I've wasted my life in a wacky 'religion' that I actually hate because I changed my religious beliefs as a young adult based on the preachings of a door-to-door conversions.

He walked off.
How rude.